"I do not think I will ever be the same": Read rape survivor, Jazmine's personal statement

I am writing this statement to explain the impact that being raped, going through the trial, and the sentencing hearing have had on my life. I am 16 years old. I was 15 years old when this happened to me. I was still a child, and something was done to me that no child should ever have to go through. I do not feel like I am living a normal teenage life. I feel like so much has been taken from me, including my confidence, my safety, my independence, my ability to trust people, and the way I feel about myself.

Since it happened, my life has got worse, but since the sentencing hearing it has become even worse again. I thought the sentencing hearing might help me feel like there was some kind of ending, or that I could maybe start moving forward. Instead, I feel like everything has gone backwards. I feel more trapped than I did before. I feel like I am the one who has been sentenced. I feel like I am the one living in a prison, even though I did nothing wrong. 

I feel like I am the one living in a prison, even though I did nothing wrong.

I feel like I am carrying what happened every day. I wake up with it, I go to school with it, I try to sit exams with it, and I go to sleep with it. It is always there. I cannot just switch it off. I cannot just move on. I do not understand how I am feeling most of the time. I do not understand why I am the way I am now. I feel angry, upset, stressed, scared, ashamed, embarrassed, confused and overwhelmed. My emotions get the better of me and I do not know how to manage them. Sometimes I feel everything at once and sometimes I feel numb. I cannot comprehend what is going on inside my own head. I remain under CAMHS because my mental health has been so badly affected. I have felt worthless. I have felt like I want to die. I have attempted suicide a number of times and I have been in hospital after an overdose.

Since the sentencing hearing, those feelings have become worse. I keep thinking, “Why should I be here?” and “What is the point?” I am trying to live, but there are times when I feel like I just cannot do it anymore. I feel like I am surviving, not living. School has become extremely hard. My GCSEs are still ongoing, and this should be an important time in my life, but I feel like I am barely getting through it. I find school very hard. I find it hard to concentrate. I find it hard to be around my peers. I find it hard walking through corridors. I find it hard sitting in classrooms. I feel like people are looking at me, talking about me, or judging me. I worry so much about what people think. I worry they see me differently. I know I should not feel that way, because I did nothing wrong, but that is how it feels inside me.

I feel like I am surviving, not living.

Being around other teenagers is hard because I feel like my life is completely different from theirs now. They can think about normal things. They can laugh, talk, revise, make plans and be themselves. I feel like I do not belong with them anymore. I feel separate from everyone. I feel like I am watching other people live their lives while I am stuck. One of the things that happened at school has really stayed with me. I was walking down the school corridors and boys shouted, “You had a threesome.” I did not know what to do. I did not know whether I should cry or run away. I felt humiliated. I felt exposed. I felt sick. It made me feel like what happened to me was being turned into gossip, a joke, or something disgusting about me, when actually I was raped. That moment made school feel even more unsafe for me.

One of the things that happened at school has really stayed with me. I was walking down the school corridors and boys shouted, "You had a threesome."

I do not just struggle at school. I struggle everywhere. I rarely leave the house now, and when I do, it is usually with my mum. I do not want to leave the house. I feel scared and on edge. I feel like I am always looking around, always waiting for something bad to happen, always scared of who I might see or what someone might say. Even normal things feel too much. Some mornings are hell. My parents have to help me so much that it feels like I have no independence anymore. I am 16 now, but I feel like I have gone backwards and become a little child again. I am too scared to use public transport. I am too scared to travel anywhere alone. I should be becoming more independent at my age, but instead I feel like I have lost independence. That makes me feel ashamed and frustrated, but I cannot help it.

My family have to watch me suffer and that hurts too. I find it hard to trust people, even my own family sometimes. It is not because they have done anything wrong. It is because I do not feel safe inside myself anymore. I question everything. I feel suspicious, scared and overwhelmed. I do not feel like I can relax, even with people who love me. I hate that this has affected my family relationships too. I feel physically ill because of what has happened. I have been vomiting nearly every day. I feel sick in my stomach, but it feels connected to my mind as well. I feel mentally and physically depleted. I feel like all my energy has gone. On Friday 5 June, my stepdad took the day off work to stay with me because he was so concerned about my wellbeing. I was physically sick and refused to leave home. That is what my life is like now. I am expected to keep going, keep sitting exams, keep being at school, keep existing, but inside I feel like I am breaking.

I do not feel safe inside myself anymore.

My parents took me on holiday, and I know they were trying to help me and give me something good, but I could not find joy in it. I could not enjoy it properly. I could not escape how I felt. I was somewhere beautiful, but inside I still felt the same. That made me realise that this is not something I can just get away from.

The trial was horrific. It was not just difficult; it was traumatising. It made me relive what happened again and again. The trial lasted more than five and a half weeks and I had to go through giving evidence. When I gave evidence, I was questioned in detail about what I apparently did. I was asked about the details of what happened. I was asked why I had two hands around the perpetrator’s penis. It was implied that I wanted it. It was implied that I was experienced in what I was doing. It was implied that I had chosen it or taken part in it. I cannot explain how humiliating and painful that was. I was 15 years old. I am a child who has been raped. I felt like I was being treated like I had done something wrong. The hardest part was being accused of lying. I knew I was telling the truth. I knew what had happened to me. I tried so hard to do my best whilst talking about something which has left me with such lasting pain.

The trial was horrific. It was not just difficult, it was traumatising.

I tried to explain something that was gruelling and horrible to relive. I put myself out there. I told them what was done to me. I did what I was supposed to do. I trusted the process. Then I had to sit there and hear it suggested that I was lying. That broke something inside me. 

The sentencing hearing has also had a huge impact on me. I thought sentencing would make me feel that what happened to me had been properly recognised. Instead, I felt let down. I felt like the offence was treated as if someone had stolen sweets from a shop. It should not be treated like a petty crime. Rape is not petty. What happened to me has left me harmed so severely that I do not think I will ever be the same.

What happened to me has left me harmed so severely that I do not think I will ever be the same.

At sentencing, I felt like there was more concern about the boys’ futures than about mine. That has stayed with me. It made me feel invisible and unimportant. It felt like people were thinking about how they could move on with their lives, but I am left with this every single day. Their futures were spoken about, but what about my future? What about my GCSEs? What about my mental health? What about the fact that I do not want to leave the house? What about the fact that I have wanted to die? What about the fact that I feel like I do not belong anywhere? I feel like I have not received justice.

I reported what happened because I believed that if I spoke up and told the truth, what was done to me would be properly recognised. I went through the criminal justice process even though it was terrifying. I gave evidence. I tried my best. I trusted that the system would protect me and show that what happened mattered. Now I feel disappointed, let down and confused. I feel like the process took everything from me and did not give me safety or peace back. I no longer feel safe in my community. I am scared of seeing the offenders. I am scared of hearing about them. I am scared of being recognised, judged or spoken about. I feel like I am always looking over my shoulder. I feel like I cannot just be a normal person outside. Even when I am at home, I do not feel completely safe because my mind does not let me feel safe.

I feel like the process took everything from me and did not give me safety or peace back.

I feel like what happened to me has affected how I see other people and how I see relationships. I question people’s intentions. I question whether friendships are safe. I question whether I can trust anyone. I overthink conversations and I worry about what people mean. I feel anxious around boys. I feel anxious around groups. I feel anxious when people laugh or whisper because I worry it is about me. I feel embarrassed that I need so much help from my parents, but I do. I feel embarrassed that I cannot do normal things easily anymore. I feel embarrassed that I feel scared to travel alone. I feel embarrassed that school feels unbearable. I feel embarrassed that I cannot enjoy things that should make me happy. I know none of this is my fault, but I still feel ashamed. That is one of the worst parts.

I do not feel like a normal 16-year-old. I feel like a little child again in some ways, but also like I have had to deal with things that are far too adult and far too horrible. I feel stuck between being a child who needs help and being expected to carry on like a young adult. It is confusing and exhausting. I feel like I do not belong. I do not belong at school because I feel different from everyone else. I do not belong outside because I feel unsafe. I do not belong in my own body because it makes me feel sick. I do not belong in my old life because that person feels gone. I do not know where I am supposed to fit anymore. The impact on my confidence and self-esteem has been severe. I do not see myself in a positive way. 

I feel damaged. I feel worthless. I feel like people will always see what happened to me before they see me. I feel like this has become part of my identity even though I never wanted it to be. I hate that. I want the Court to understand that this has affected every part of my life. It has affected school. It has affected my exams. It has affected my friendships. It has affected my family relationships. It has affected my independence. It has affected my mental health. It has affected my physical health. It has affected how I feel in my own body. It has affected whether I want to live. It has affected everything.

I feel damaged. I feel worthless. I feel like people will always see what happened to me before they see me.

I am asking for a lifetime restraining order because a ten-year order is not enough for me. I understand that ten years may sound like a long time, but what happened to me will affect me for the rest of my life. My fear will not just stop after ten years. My trauma will not just disappear after ten years. I will not suddenly feel safe because a date has passed. The thought of the restraining order ending in the future already scares me. I do not want to live with a date in my head when the protection might run out. I do not want to spend the next ten years counting down to when I might not be protected anymore. I do not want to have to go back to court later and explain all of this again. I have already had to relive it too many times.

A lifetime restraining order would give me some sense of safety. It would not undo what happened. It would not make me better overnight. But it would mean I know I am protected permanently. It would mean I do not have to live with the fear that one day the protection ends and I have to face that fear all over again. I need lifelong protection because the harm is lifelong. I am 16 and this has already changed the course of my life. I am still in school. I am still doing my GCSEs. I should be thinking about my future, but instead I am thinking about how to get through each day. I should not have to also worry that one day the protection will stop.

I do not think it is fair that I should have to carry the consequences forever, but the protection only lasts for ten years. I need the protection to match the seriousness of what happened and the lasting impact it has had on me. I want to feel safe again. I want to leave the house without fear. I want to go to school without feeling physically sick. I want to walk down corridors without feeling humiliated or panicked. I want to sit my exams without feeling like my body and mind are shutting down. I want to stop feeling like people are judging me. I want to stop feeling like I am trapped. I want to trust people again. I want to feel like my body belongs to me. I want to feel like I have a future. I also do not believe that the restraining order currently is sufficient. It has one condition of no direct or indirect contact. This does not stop the perpetrators from coming near my home or in the vicinity of where I live. I would ask the restraining order restrictions to be widened. I would seek zonal restrictions too. 

End note: 

Jazmine and her family have established a foundation, Stronger than Silence, dedicated to supporting other survivors, ensuring that those who find themselves facing similar circumstances know that they are not alone and that help, support, and hope are available. The family are crowd funding for their foundation, you can donate now to support survivors here.